Don't lose sight of where I came from: some days I want to cry over losses and failures, but then I remember >25 year old me would be ecstatic I'm sober
With my four year sobriety date quickly approaching, I need to keep it in perspective and remember where I came from. Today's worst day is still better than my best day back then.
Some days are a lot harder than others, especially with seasonal depression setting in hard.
For me, it starts right after the holidays because once Christmas and New Year’s passes, there’s not much to look forward to for a while. January is where it starts, so I start to sink into just long, dark, exhausting days. The fact that it’s dark by 4 p.m. just makes it so much worse, and it’s freezing cold out. I don’t want to leave when the air is stinging my face.
February is a little better because it goes by fast, but a little worse because that’s usually when we get the most snow and storms. That hasn’t been the case for 2023- we have had a nasty March, and March tends to be one of the bad months for me because it’s just so long. It’s worse if it’s a crappy month for weather.
We’re almost halfway through this month and I can’t wait- I pray that April brings better weather! Once I can actually leave, go outside, not wear 75 layers, or slip and fall, my mental health greatly improves.
2023 has been especially hard, but March brings my sober anniversary
If I’m being fully honest, March is a mess of emotions for me as well. My sober date is March 29, 2019. It’s also a lot of other things, but it’s that first and foremost.
In 2019 I was drinking, but I first started trying to get sober in 2015. By 2017 I was able to fully commit and remained sober for a full 18 months. Instead of picking up the heavy metal 18 month chip at an AA meeting that night, I drank a beer instead. From there I was off to the races.
Some good happened- I went back to community college and almost lost it all. I showed up to a class so severely hungover one day my professor called me out and asked me if I was okay- my poetry workshop nonetheless so that class was important to me.
On March 29, 2019 I made the horrible decision to get married to someone I never should have married, bringing on years of pain and frustration. That happened on a Friday and the next day on a Saturday I took a good long hard look at my life and realized my drinking was putting me in these God awful positions. I got sober, graduated, and tried my hardest to make a marriage work, but I did something different this time and put my sobriety first.
My parents let me move home so I could go to a four year college, a really really amazing one that was actually my dream college as a high school student, and I earned by bachelor’s in writing and rhetoric. I worked hard and graduated with honors and Magna Cum Laude.
I remained sober the entire time, but unfortunately my marriage was toxic and disgusting, so I finally put myself first and chose my sobriety. I was divorced by the end of 2022 and thriving.
In sobriety I’ve earned back trust and depth in many relationships, obtained two writing degrees, an got an amazing job after I graduated. My writing has sharpened and I have stability. I even ended up in one of the most amazing relationships, with my middle school crush which blows my mind every single day.
But some days I still get down on myself
I’ll wake up and feel like I haven’t done enough, I’ve done everything wrong, I could be doing better, I should be doing better.
A lot of days I am so hard on myself for not wanting to shower, taking until 2 p.m. to get in the shower, not making dinner and getting Wendy’s instead (God I love nuggets and chili cheese fries), but overall I just feel like I fail at doing enough.
I can’t even sleep right and am typing this at 1:07 a.m. but will be up by 7 a.m. for work in the morning. I’m tired all the time.
I saw a TikTok the other day where a woman was able to put it into perspective for me.
32 year old me is saying “I’m sober, but I didn’t get A, B, or C done and I could have been better at everything, nothing is going right and nothing is okay.”
But 15-27 year old me is SO HAPPY I’m sober. Back then that was all I ever wanted to do, forget the college, the degrees, the “success” I just wanted to wake up and not drink and be able to act right for ONE day. It took years and years but I finally got here, and I’ve stayed here for four years.
Young me couldn’t be more proud of today me.
I’m accomplished in a lot of ways, but I’m sober, and at the end of the day that is the only thing that matters because it’s the only thing that made everything else possible.
I’ll leave you with this:
And this: (A tidbit from my book)
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