A mental health explosion and stepping back to gain clarity as a writer

Sometimes I can become overwhelmed, but it doesn't mean I can't manage it.

The last week or two have been a complete whirlwind with so many stressful things happening all at once, and I’m currently not working a regular job, so the lack of structure in my time has been stressful as well.

I don’t handle stress well- it’s very hard for me.

As a person who already has pretty bad ADHD and opts more for behavioral therapy for managing it with minimal medication, time management is already a nightmare for me. I find that being extra, super, overly busy to the point of not pure exhaustion, but instead just being *really* tired all the time, works best for me. The more I have to do to create a filled and productive day, the less time I have to stray away, scroll my phone, and honestly just plain think too hard. Thinking and wandering thoughts get me into trouble. They turn into me not doing enough, being good enough, trying hard enough, etc., and eventually spiral into “I’m a failure.”

My job abruptly ended in April, and it is now June. I have been actively looking for work, while working on all the things I wanted to do for myself when I had “no time” to do them (ironic, huh?).

This included finally getting my two year old Irish Doodle fixed, something I knew would be incredibly stressful for me and since I had the time to give it my full attention, I knew it needed to happen ASAP.

I dreaded it every single day from when I made the appointment to when it actually happened (so about two or three weeks). I pulled out every stop and reason I could think of for cancelling and “rescheduling” (with zero intention of rescheduling because he is my BABY and I couldn’t stand the idea of being without him even if it was for just one day and night, it was eating me alive).

Of course, my mother and boyfriend said no and made it clear they knew my intentions (duh, lol).

The stress of putting my dog through a surgery and pain (a very very common and usually very safe surgery, I’m aware) was making me physically ill, but it wasn’t just that. On top of that I have my own series of medical issues going on right now that I’m doing everything to get under control so I can have it behind me and dealt with before I do finally start a new job. AND I can think of 2-3 other stressful things off the top of my head that I simply am not going to get into for other reasons but alas, it’s been tough.

The hardest has passed, and I’m finally on the mental downswing and deflation of it all, thankfully.

When my dog was at the vet all day on the day of the surgery, I took that time to gain some clarity

I would say after dropping him off around 8-8:30 am (which is insanely early for an unemployed starving artist) I sat around the apartment whining that I missed my dog and couldn’t fathom how sad and confused he must have felt when he realized we’d left him there. I stayed like that for awhile until I was finally allowed to call the vet and ask how he was doing! They told me the surgery went the way it was supposed to, there were no complications, and he was resting comfortably. After that I was able to feel relief, because we had another stressful event that day which also went off without a hitch!

I showered and got ready, and took my camera to the lake to get some photos I’d really been trying to take for awhile now. I love Adobe LightRoom and really want to get to learn both that and my camera better, so this was a great opportunity since I didn’t feel like I was leaving my dog behind.

Here are the results:

Then I went on a much needed stress free date night

It’s hard for us to go out sometimes because we don’t like to crate the dog if we can avoid it. My dog may as well have been born with thumbs. He can pull out front door open, so sadly for him he has to go in the crate. He can also get out of his crate if both latches are closed, so we have to put additional latches on it and just for relief I shove the ottoman against the door so he can’t push it open if he is able to get all the latches off (unlikely but he’s way too smart). I blame his intelligence on these cute treat puzzles I bought back when we moved when I was trying to bust his boredom. He got wayyyyy too good at them.

Once he’s all locked up and we leave, he cries SO loud for a good half hour, and I would just really prefer if my neighbors didn’t need to listen to that. They’re all so great and honestly love him, so I know they don’t hate me for it but it’s not ideal. So with him at the vet overnight recovering, we had a stress free night where we could leave without dealing with a crying dog for ten minutes.

We tried an amazing restaurant in Canandaigua called Kix on Main and they had some of the best garlic-cheese monkey bread I have EVER had and we both got sandwiches (a turkey club and a ruben) and they were HUGE.

Finally, I re-evaluated my writing this week

So I’ve been working on my WIP horror novel for quite some time now and am just under 200 pages in. However, I feel like I’m hitting a wall so I may have to go back to it and take a break.

While “breaking” I thought about how I loved Goosebumps and The Babysitters Club growing up, and when I was a middle grade reader I really wanted to be a middle grade author. Obviously the easiest thing to write is the thing you love to read. But I revisited that middle grade dream I once had and did a lot of research before coming up with my own unique plot concept that could be made into and endless series.

Here’s the only hint I’ll drop on that for the forseeable future:

I’m still actively trying to find work, trying to finish projects, and just overall trying to remain happy, healthy, and stable.